I hope that your heart is free

and that you find a space and humans to keep it safe there.  - me

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#metoo

This week my heart has been heavy.  Triggered by the powerlessness that I felt for so many years, I've struggled with each story and post that has been brought forward.  I've witnessed my own pain, ego, sadness, judgment.  

Because I spent decades of my life hiding behind the shame and embarrassment.

Because I was never brave enough to share out of fear that I would be judged. That it was somehow my fault or that it would be grounds for people to try and label who I am now. 

Because of something that happened to me so many years ago.  

It wasn’t my fault.  Neither situation was MY fault.  I have been able to heal that piece of my heart.  The first time, I was a child I think around 4-5 years old.  The abuse, came from another child at my daycare.  For so much time, I held hatred for this person.  But it wasn't HER fault either.  I can only assume that she was a victim in someway, and I try to send her love, and hope that she was able to find the same amount of healing that I have.     

It happened again in college from a guy that I knew.  I buried both of these stories deep inside of me, where no one would ever find them.  To risk anyone finding out was my deepest fear.  Holding onto that fear fractured my soul.  It left an imprint that I couldn't run from or leave behind.  I became afraid of everything, but most importantly afraid of love.  I closed my heart off to anything and anyone.  I held even those closest to me at a distance.  Close enough to be comfortable, but far enough to allow me to feel a false sense of safety.  This way of life was never meant to be my truth, the fear and hate that I harbored tore me up inside.  Like a rose, trying against nature not to blossom.  It went against every ounce of instinct and intuition, not to love; be open; or to be free.  

Fast forward through a lot of pain, power, courage, healing, and reopening my heart to the honest beauty of the love within.....   

I’ve struggled with speaking, because I spent the last 10 years of my life doing my best to heal the scars that barricaded my heart into a dark, dark corner.  I will not let this define me after being victim to my own powerlessness for 26 years.  I am proud of my sisters, each one of you.  POWERFUL.  COURAGEOUS.  Wholeheardedly leaning into the resistance as you unzip your armor and bare the light of your souls.  Shining bright like a diamond.

My sister and Mahadevi, Jackie Paulson, said to me this morning, "sometimes what we work so hard at shoving away, turning from, and 'letting go' actually just wants to be named, seen, and held with compassion.  You don't owe anyone your story, but if there is some place inside of you that needs to allow this to be heard for the healing process individually and collectively, listen to it."  She's right, I don't owe anyone my story.    I OWE ME MY STORY.  The ability to speak a piece of my story without fear.  To surrender to this next stage of healing and allow it to take shape inside of my heart and into the hearts of each one of you.  I am grateful for my ability to heal my body and my heart.  To know, that I am whole and magical in this moment and each moment to come. 

To love without fear.

To speak without fear.

To be, just as we are, standing in our magic and in our stories, without fear.  

Sending you all the love that my heart and my soul can hold, always.